Monday was a tough day, learning about the person in my past post was the second thing that day. While I do not want to complain about my own situation but where else can I vent? I did not see my blood work for my upcoming doctors visit so I called the lab and requested the results. When I received them I noticed my White Blood Cell Count and Absolute Lymphocytes were elevated rather high again. By rather high I mean in excess of the 3x upper range for normal. This rather much implies I no longer back in precancerous range. Last time I went through all the CT scans, Ultrasounds and bloodwork one could ask for in a life time to watch the levels recede and I was sort of letdown to be honest. I was ready and willing to die. I had lost my job, my wife and then found out about the betrayal of health all in the same month. Mostly I found it to be an easy way out to not deal with the problems in my life, to not admit I was transgender. I could simply die as a man and my family could be satisfied that they lost me the person they knew and loved and I would never have to betray them, admit I lied to them, that I deceived them. Admit the person they loved was a character I played and not really me. I did not die and once I was content with dying the stress of everything melted away and my health improved. So, I starting to work on coming to terms with being transgender and told those who needed to know and began medical intervention (not just my ongoing therapy). Then I went to work for my former competitor in place that treats me great and values me. I even outed myself fighting for transgender healthcare coverage (which we got). My son stayed with me after the divorce and he has matured so much. I am so proud of both of kids. Now I have a reason to almost like myself, who I really am and now is when I get the first sign that I may be on borrowed time. Oh, my therapist quite the practice Monday so I have no one to talk to. My friends think my life is perfect overall, great job and career, finally out, and I am happy. Not sure about happy but I sure have a lot of reasons to smile, but maybe not for much longer. If this disease does/has taken root, it is a slow moving killer, much like a glacier. Its moves so slow you can hardly tell but its weight crushes everything in front of it and bears down with all its weight until everything is destroyed. Everyone knows they are going to die; it just feels weird to know what your expiration date is a decade in advance. When you know that, what do you do? Live it up before you are ground to powder? Or save the money you have for your children? If I save it, will they resent that I did not use it to fight, or to live? I don’t know, but I know I can feel the weight already.